battle of the bulge...or the brain?

I know it's cliché. Most women have some self image issue as it relates to their own weight, and I've always wanted to be that woman who doesn't focus on it. Just try to live a healthy life, but I just can't seem to escape it.

My hypersensitivity about my own weight is largely because I've witnessed the 15+ year battle my mother has endured, but sadly has resigned herself to "being too old" to do anything about it and has given up completely. Now there are a ton of other factors that contribute to my mom's health and well-being, but I can't escape the fact that there are genetics at play too.

It wasn't until after I was out of college and at a desk job that I started to pay attention to the scale. It was compounded by being in a relationship with M who was incredibly critical of me at times. I mean, who on earth calls their girlfriend "Big Meesh?" (Saving the rant on this issue for another day.)

That was the start of my Atkins yo-yo dieting. And while I really don't fluctuate too much (+/-10), it's pretty significant for someone like me who is only 5'4".

Now, I am not one who loves going to the gym. In fact, I spend more time at the spa at my gym than I doing working out. Both are an investment in looking better. I'd just rather do it spending my money, than my time and energy. :)

The first time I did Atkins, I lost almost 25 lbs (which I didn't even realize at the time that I could lose). I felt great and had the positive reinforcement to keep me on that straight and narrow. That is until I got tired of boiling eggs for breakfast and eating cheese. And back came on the 25 lbs.

This time around I wanted to do it differently so I joined Weight Watchers and started going to the gym. I am so proud of myself. Waking up at 5:45 am, going to the gym for circuit training, and eating within the diet's guidelines. Then why after two weeks am I still status quo -- nothing to show for my efforts. What a buzz kill, and definitely makes me question why I even bother.

Of course the gluttony of the birthday weekend (bottomless mojitos and wine) caught up with me, and in two days I had managed to gain 3 pounds in addition to where I had started at. So I decided to switch to a more prescriptive plan -- only eating food that is on the list.

And then today I was paralyzed. I came home tonight, starving. No food in my house -- I don't cook, and usually go out for dinner/drinks. (I know, not really conducive to healthy eating.) I sat there at my kitchen table staring at the list of food and feeling completely lost. I needed to eat and my head couldn't even begin to fathom what I was going to do. I felt like a three-year old waiting for someone to give me a snack. Maybe that's how this diet thing works...you have no idea what you can eat, so you don't.

My paralysis ended when my friend loulou stopped by and we went out for mexican. I dare say that was the best-tasting grilled chicken and fajita-style veggies ever. Whew, one meal down. Now the real question is, what am I going figure out to eat tomorrow???