To all the men I've loved before...

Yea for me. Turned 31 yesterday and had a great getaway weekend with a couple of my girlfriends. As with any girls-only gathering, the conversation eventually turned to relationships. Birthdays and relationships make a great time for reflection.

As we drove back from the desert, my friend and I were talking about relationships and that the work is never really done. If you're single, you're hoping to "meet the guy", if you're in a relationship, you're hoping that "this is it", if you're married, then it's a whole slew of other things -- are we growing together? start a family? in-laws and other family issues. It really isn't over at any stage of the relationship.

I've had what I'd consider three significant relationships -- all of which have shaped my perspective along the way.

In my mid-20s, I was with "M" for several years. I thought it was all about being the caretaker. I took care of everything and it took everything out of me (emotionally and financially). He needed to "find" himself and I dutifully supported that -- because he loved me, right? Two years later, I was still the only one with an income, paying all of the bills, while M galavanted off to go ice and mountain climbing to see if he could make himself happy. He didn't make himself happy, and I was the one who suffered in the end. Four weeks after he broke up with me, he married a girl he met in a coffee shop six weeks earlier.

Wisdom gained: Got off the "I'm-the-only-one-who-understands-you-and-will-help-you" party bus. Forgoing my own hopes and dreams to help some self-serving person stumble around to find his nirvana was not what I was meant to do in this life.

Relationship #2 lasted just over a year. Though it should have ended six months earlier. "A" was nothing like M -- which made it really easy to not recognize or admit to myself how wrong he was for me. My friends were not big fans and (excuse or not), I was dealing with a new job, buying a house, and a family issue. My relationship with A was not on my list of priorities to sort out. That is, until he moved into my new house uninvited. Then it just went downhill when I started to see all of the things that made everything about that relationship wrong. Fortunately he got to that same place I did and it ended amicably. Three months after he moved out, he was engaged to his ballroom dance instructor.

Wisdom gained: Just because A is not M, doesn't mean it's right. I was embarrassed to be with him, and so it was never going to work out. This was the only time in my entire life where I was actually estatic to break up with someone, not even a single tear shed.

Then relationship #3 caught me unaware and I had no idea what hit me. I wasn't looking for a relationship and "J" was just so darn persistent and the connection was unquestionable. J was me. I was J. So what was the issue? To him: being sixteen years his junior and that he was done having kids and I hadn't had an opportunity to have any of my own. At least that's what I initally thought the issue centered around. I think it was to some extent, but I think the real issue was that he doesn't want to be tied down. But then again, I'm not really the "chase-you-til-I-get-you-kind-of" gal, so he wasn't exactly getting smothered by me.

Wisdom gained: J was a kindred spirit, so it can exist. And so there's no need to be with someone who just doesn't rock your world. But because you love someone, doesn't mean the other person loves you enough to take a chance and see what might be.

I'm pretty content with my life. I have a good career, incredible friends, a dog and a mortgage. I realize what it's now about for me -- being single and happy is clearly better than being in an unfulfilling, miserable relationship.

If I really thought about why I am not with J (or someone else for that matter), it's because I seek what I am -- emotionally unavailable. Why hitch a ride on a roller coaster when the smooth, predictable road is much easier to navigate? I can only hope my walls won't be too high that I can't bring them down long enough to recognize a good thing when it comes along. I've been told that your 30's are the best years of your life. So bring it on, I'm living for me.