confessions of a wedding-induced cheater

I had a dream the other night that really got my attention, and has really made my contemplate some things I have done in past relationships.

In my dream, I had met up with J after work on a Friday night, and that I had told R that I would see him in a few hours. I can't remember all of the details, but it seemed that J and I were someplace with other people, including a couple of J's kids. I was thinking that, "This is ok, I'm not doing anything wrong. J and I can be friends." J and I were having a good conversation and I was somewhat aware that he was inching closer toward crossing the friend/relationship line. As the evening progressed I completely forgot about my promise to R that I would see him that night. And it wasn't until 5 or 6 am, when R called me and I was still at this "party" or wherever I was with J. I didn't have an excuse -- I was busted. And even though nothing inappropriate happened between me and J, I felt like I had cheated on R, and I felt TERRIBLE and that I may have messed up this relationship big time.

Fortunately I woke up, and quickly realized that all was well. But it did give me a chance to ponder some of my own actions and decisions in my past relationships. And I had to swallow the ugly truth. Why would I be afraid that I might cheat on R? Well, because I have cheated before. Maybe not on R, but I found "loopholes" in some of my past relationships to help me rationalize to myself that the choices I made were justified.

When I was with M, my first head-over-heels relationship, I was so completely devoted to him. For three and a half years, I overlooked his indiscretions. I knew that he had cheated on me, and I turned a blind eye to it. I remember paying his bills (yes, he was mooching off of me), and I found a credit card charge to Match.com. And this was while we were living together. I confronted him about it and he made up some lame excuse. Of course, this relationship eventually ended abruptly when he met some girl in a coffee shop, broke up with me after the fact, and then married her six weeks later. That whole situation threw me for a loop and my innocence was lost. I trusted no one. I opened up myself to no one. I never wanted to hurt again like that.

Then when I met A on Match.com, I quickly fell into a relationship with him. In hindsight, it was because he was not M. A was safe. Except that I subconsciously was beginning to realize that I was "not that into him." So how did I manifest it? Just a few months after A and I started dating, my cousin was getting married in DC. The plan was for me to go to the wedding (with the rest of my family) and then A would fly into DC the day after the wedding, and we would spend a week there vacationing.

First a caveat. Weddings are trouble for me. For as long as I can remember, I've always found guys to flirt with at weddings. My cousin's wedding was no different. Except for this time I was actually dating someone. I was a bridesmaid, and given my history, it was inevitable with the pairing of bridesmaids and groomsmen. Honestly, I wasn't looking to cheat, but after the wedding reception, all of us in the wedding party were staying at the same hotel, and the groomsmen convinced me to join them at a dive bar across the street. After some dancing and some shots -- the groomsman and I were having a great time. Somewhere along the line we ended up making out and passing out in my room. I don't even remember his name now. But as soon as we woke up, I shuttled him out of the room before any of my family came over, not realizing he'd left his wallet in my room. He couldn't find my number and had to call my cousin's new husband to find me. So then everyone knew. Two days later, A flew into DC and it was as if nothing happened. He never found out, and I didn't see the need to tell him. Besides, as one girlfriend helped me to justify at the time, "It isn't cheating before 'I love you's'. "

And then at another wedding just three months later, I ran into a guy who I'd have a New Year's Eve flirtation with before I had met A. The problem? A was my date to the wedding and after a few too many glasses of wine, I was smashed and having a great time. The group ended up in the bride and groom's suite at the hotel for after party. I was very close friends the with bride, the groom and many of the people at the after party. A was the outsider and some of my friends had expressed pretty boldly that they didn't like him. Compounded by the fact that New Year's Eve boy was also at this after party. Having gotten very lovey dovey with everyone there -- all my friends including New Year's boy, A had enough and carried my sorry drunken ass out of there and drove me back to our room where I suffered the worse hangover I've ever experienced. A stuck with me for a little while longer, but the writing was on the wall for me. He was not the prince charming I was looking for.

Then I met J, and was again head-over heels for this guy. I only had eyes for him even with the on again off again relationship. J and I had only dated for three months when he broke up with me. We still saw each other occasionally, but I took the opportunity to date other people. During that time, I went on some dates with Dean (the hair dresser) and about the time that fizzled out, J and I had recommitted to being in a relationship. I figured this time around would be different. And it was. This time, about three months into our renewed relationship, I started to sense something was awry. I remember sitting on the plane on my way to Australia and having this overwhelming sadness about J. In my heart I knew that it was not going to last and that he was on the verge of breaking up with me again. So while in Australia, there was yet another wedding. And even though when I met the Irishman, I told him that I had a boyfriend back home, there was an undeniable flirtation going on. And so, having my hurt feelings fueling my decisions, I gave myself permission to cheat on J. I knew and the Irishman knew that this was just a fleeting moment, and we both just enjoyed it for what it was. He was very sweet and told me that I deserved better. I knew I did too. I came back home and J and I stayed together for another month or so. And then he broke up with me again. This time a week before Christmas.

I don't want my cheating flirtations to be ingrained in my character. I want to believe that I can be loyal and WILL be loyal to the person who will be my one and only (fingers crossed that I've already found him). But it does make me pause for thought. I can make up all sorts of excuses as to why I cheated on A and J. They didn't deserve it. And while I think got away with it without having to face the choir, I really need to be honest with myself about why I can so easily rationalize my behavior.

Maybe if I just stop attending weddings, I can break the cycle. :)