"she's a bad mama jama"

Now most of you know my Mom is a constant source of irritation and entertainment. I haven't shared any stories about her lately, mostly because it's the same old conversations we've been having for years, and frankly it's my Groundhog's Day hell when she's having one of those days.

But yesterday takes the cake.

I thought it much like any other paranoid day she was having. She called me around noon despondent over some "piece of paper" she signed for my Dad and didn't know what it was. Of course thinking that there was some conspiracy going on and that my Dad was going to will my brother to another family member should he pass. Nevermind the fact that my parents are still married, and Mom doesn't get that you can't change custody of a minor child when you have another living parent in the picture. Then she went on about my Dad taking his and my younger brother's passports. At this point I knew she'd thrown herself into some contrived tale of betrayal and she thought my Dad had taken my 16-yr old brother on the lam. I had better things to do that listen to this bullshit, so I told her to knock it off and get on with her day. Harsh, I know, but some times it's just tough love.

I didn't think twice about my phone call with my Mom, because it's a regular occurrence. So when my sister called around 5 pm, she was laughing hysterically and asked if I knew what happened to Mom today? Curious. No, other than the phone call with her earlier.

Brace yourself for this one.

Apparently she was so worked up that "my Dad and brother had taken off" (not so, Dad was at work, my brother at school) that she locked the house up with herself inside and then set the house alarm. Somewhere along the line, and the story gets really fuzzy on the details here....she either opened the door to the garage to test to see if the house alarm was working, or somehow a door opened -- which in turn set off the alarm.

Mom couldn't remember the code to disarm the alarm, and she even admits that she wasn't even sure if it was the house alarm that was blaring. She heard it everywhere, and even convinced herself that it was across the street. Naturally, with any home alarm system, the security company calls to see if it's a false alarm. Another whammy! Mom doesn't recognize the phone number and chooses not to answer the phone.

So within minutes, the house is surrounded by law enforcement and they approach the door. Mom opens the door, and one of the police officers quips, "I had a feeling this was your house." God love him, he knows my Mom well. He's the one who has pulled her over in the neighborhood several times for spending, and I'm sure on occasion when she doesn't remember where she lives. Think Alzheimer's symptoms when trying to understand the complicated mess that is my mother.

She can't explain to the police what happened. She's not even sure why they're there. Thank goodness this wasn't a situation where she was behind the wheel of a car. They would have carted her off to the drunk tank, despite the fact that she's never had a lick of alcohol.

And so there you go. My Dad is now actively trying to find a "Mom-sitter" who can spend the weekdays with my Mom so that she doesn't drive herself into a mental breakdown and who can keep her out of trouble.

Just when you think nothing can surprise you, Mom always seems to deliver.