mother-in-law

Where to begin? Does is it really help share a little about Rick's mom to set the context for what I'm about to share. Most likely...

Most of you know that Rick was raised by his maternal grandparents, hence when we got married, we both legally changed our names to his mother's maiden name. Rick's dad was never in the picture when he was growing up either. And we suspect his mom was a big part of that.

Even before Rick was born, his mom had a rough start. In 1968, she had a baby out of wedlock and tragically the father passed away while she was pregnant. She ended up giving the baby up for adoption through Catholic Services. Then two years later, she was married to Rick's father, had Rick and then divorced him shortly thereafter.

The details are a little murky but the top line is that by the age of ten, Rick was living full time at his grandparents while his mom tried unsuccessfully to get her life together. A string of relationships that resulted in another marriage and divorce, addictions to drugs and alcohol and in the end severing most of her family relationships.

Fast forward to when Rick and I started dating. I met his mom for the week after our first blind date. She'd taken a train out to Seattle to visit. Nothing beyond a short courtesy hello and we were off on our date. When we'd travel out to see his grandma and family for the holidays, his mom was usually conspicuously absent. At times, it was hard to remember that his grandmother was not in fact his biological mother. His mom was just absent. Even when we had our wedding reception at the park there in town. She came into town, but never showed her face at the park.

I will be the first to admit that I haven't cut his mom much slack. She makes promises she doesn't keep and I have a hard time with people who aren't willing to take the initiative to help themselves. I've cast a lot of judgement her direction, overhearing conversations between my husband and his mother.

With the recent passing of Rick's half brother a few months ago (the one who his mom had given up for adoption), we knew this was going to be a turning point for us and his mom. While she has left the alcohol behind, she's a lonely lady living in a very isolated, dare I say, deplorable world. Low income housing afforded only by her disability benefits. The stories we'd hear bordered on the edge of reason. And we often wondered how much is real and how much is embellishment.

Well, our invitation to have his mom come and visit was finally taken. Almost two weeks ago, she arrived on the train. Once she was out here, it was clear that we needed to step in. She needed to get out of her apartment in Wisconsin. We talked with her about finding her an apartment her that offered senior subsidized housing. We started making the plans to get her a fresh start. In fact, we'd even put in an application for an apartment complex close to our cabin. She is so excited for the thought of leaving everything behind.

Knowing that if she went back home alone, the plan would disintegrate. I offered to go with her and help her pack up her clothes and dismantle the apartment she'd been living in for the last 6 or so years. I figured I could get away from work in mid-August for a week and take the train back and forth with her, since she has an intense fear of flying.

No sooner had I made the train reservations, I got an email from Rick. Things had gone awry back at her apartment, and apparently it had flooded. She was ordered to get everything cleared out within 14 days. And so this afternoon, we're sending her back on a train alone. I can't get away for a few more weeks.

The tragedy in this was not realizing how truly deplorable the conditions were. And not just the building, but what she had brought on herself with the hoarding. The building supervisor emailed us pictures of an uninhabitable apartment. Clothes strewn everywhere. Trash filled the floor. Even a milk carton sitting on the counter top. And that's the way she'd left the place when she'd come out to visit.

We clearly have a lot of work ahead of us. The good news is that she has two weeks to get things sorted out before I can fly out there. I really do hope this flood, combined with the forward motion in getting her an apartment out here is enough to jump start her into making a change.

We'll take the train back together as originally planned for mid-August. And she'll stay with us until something opens up at the apartment complex.

I do have to say that while it's been a rocky road, this last week and half has given me an opportunity to get to know my mother-in-law a little better. Despite the inconveniences of the situation, I really do have compassion for what she's been through and we want to see her be able to change things around. Rick and I think a fresh start in a place where we can keep an eye on her and give her the support she's been lacking may just be the leg up she's needed for so long.

Of course we see the pitfalls of taking this on and realize that it's not going to be an easy road. But when we see all of the great things in our lives and to not do anything is just unconscionable. At the end of the day, she is his mother and we will do what we can to support her. My hope is that we can provide her strength and structure and that we do not crumble in the process.

So goes life.