four letter words

The L word

All of my life, this has been one of the hardest words for me to say -- even with my own family. I'm not sure why it makes me so uncomfortable. Of course part of it may be that my family was really never that open with their feelings. A father who holds everything in, completely unemotional and a mother who pours every last drop of emotion out -- flooding any semblance of balance in everyone else's emotional well being. And sadly, to this day, "I love you" is a tough thing for me to share with my family. I've had lengthy conversations with my sisters about it and they have similar hang ups.

What's even more disturbing are all the other four letter words that I shouldn't be using that flow off my tongue so freely. So why such a struggle with the L word? Is it something I guard very closely? Or rather (at least in the relationship space), is it because in the past I have dated emotionally unavailable men and likewise, I have been emotionally unavailable as well?

You're probably wondering what prompted this self reflection. No, R and I are not exchanging L words yet. But I with how well our relationship is going, I know that it's a possibility and I want to make sure I'm ready for it.

I had dinner the other night with another girlfriend of mine who is also in a new relationship and we were talking about stages of relationships. Historically, I do really well up until 60-90 days into it, and then it's either cut bait or dive in head first. R and I are about to reach 60 days, so naturally I began to reflect on my past relationships and how some of those made it beyond the 60-90 day mark.

A is a great example. We dated for almpost more than a year, but about half of that time I knew I needed out. My first sign was when he and I were together for almost six months and he said the L word to me, and I just replied with "thanks" not feeling the same at that moment. And then it took me another two months and I said the L word with a card because I couldn't really choke it out. Hindsight being 20/20, I see that much of my issue was that I really didn't love him, so of course I felt uncomfortable saying it.

J was another one of those where we felt mutual affection for each other, but the L word was rarely said. In fact, it was never a direct statement. I remember two years ago for my birthday, J and I went out to dinner (during our first off-again stage of the relationship). And we started to have a good, but serious conversation about our relationship. He said, "if you want to know if I love you, yes, I do." I just nodded. Not because I didn't want to tell him the same, but I didn't want it to be a "me too," and frankly this was the first time (and honestly, the last time) I'd ever hear those words out of his mouth, so I was trying to process it. A month later, we were in London for the weekend and I made some gifts that shared with him my feelings. But as things happen, it was short lived. Our on-again status after my birthday was for only a few months and by the end of the year, we were off-again and have been ever since. Lots of emotional investment in that relationship and all I got was a handful of "if you want to know if I love you's, yes, I do." And although he never said it, I felt that it was there.

I see potential with R, and so I want to dig deep within so that if there is "L" , then I will be able to share my feelings with him freely and unabashedly. (Although not aspiring to the Tom Cruise-esque couch jumping.)